What do you focus on more in parenting: what your children are doing right or what they are doing wrong? Your kids’ strengths or areas for development? A lot of parents would agree that they tend to concentrate more on the gaps and things that their kids need to fix rather than the things that they are happy with.
Why? Psychologists call it the negativity bias. It’s an ancient survival mechanism that hardwires us to spot problems in our environment quicker than the things that are going well. In some situations it can be very useful as it keeps us safe from danger. However, it can also be detrimental in our relationships with others, including our children. Fortunately, there is a way to override our negativity bias and foster the relationship with our children by learning to shift our attention to our kids’ strengths and what they’re doing right.
Focusing on strengths
A concept around focusing on and leveraging strengths is quite well established in the corporate world. As a Gallup-Certified Strengths Coach I’ve helped many women discover and tap into their strengths at work, during career change or when starting up or growing a business. Knowing our strengths and how to intentionally use them can increase our confidence and self esteem. It can help us thrive and achieve our goals. Gallup’s extensive research shows the positive effect that focusing on strengths can have not only in the workplace but also generally in other parts of life. Having seen the positive impact that strengths had on their professional lives, many mums have asked me how they can use the strengths concept in parenting.
Strengths-based parenting
Strengths-based parenting empowers parents to embrace their parenting style by identifying and nurturing their own, and their children’s, natural talents and strengths. There is no ‘one size fits all’ approach when it comes to parenting. The best approach is the one that fits who you and your children are.
In her book Strengths-based parenting, Dr. Mary Reckmeyer states that “While there isn’t a prescription for what each parent and each child must do to have a life well-lived, understanding your own unique constellation of talents as well as your children’s gives you a course to chart that fits your parenting, fits your children and fits your family.”
In strengths-based parenting, we help our children to maximise on their natural talents and strengths and show them how to use these to address any challenges.
What about the weaknesses
If we focus on our kids’ strengths, does it mean we have to ignore their weaknesses? Not at all. The strengths-based approach helps us manage around our weaknesses, not ignore them. It encourages us and our kids to use what we’re good at to work on what we are not so good at.
Gallup’s tips for strengths spotting
How can you start to discover and appreciate your children’s natural talents and strengths? Here are some of the Gallup’s strengths spotting tips:
1. Watch for clues to talent and make note when your child displays:
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- Yearnings: What activities or environments is your child repeatedly drawn to or eager to try?
- Rapid learning: What new skills or activities does your child pick up quickly and easily?
- Satisfaction: When is your child most enthusiastic and fulfilled? Which activities are they excited about doing again and again?
- Timelessness: What activities does your child become so involved in that they seem to lose track of time?
3. Share and discuss with your partner, and other people that know your child, the specific patterns you have spotted in your child and see if your observations are accurate.
4. Identify the patterns you see most frequently. Through repeated observations over time, you will be able to determine which ones are dominant.
5. Create opportunities for developing your child’s talents. Organise activities that make the most of their interests and talents.
Strength-based parenting not only benefits our children but also improves the wellbeing and life satisfaction of the parents. If you feel that strengths-based parenting is right for you and your family but are not sure where to start, feel free to contact me and I’ll be happy to help!
